hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
