I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
