i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I just want to make out with him forever
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
