Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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