I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize