I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
my liver is dry heaving
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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