I wish I could punch you in the face.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
