dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
