why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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