I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize