I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
