so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
