im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I forgot how hot balto sounded
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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