I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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