The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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