I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
