i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
