Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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