Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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