I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize