drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
