can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Randomize
