So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
