have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
