Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
