dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
