My hair reeks of homosexuality.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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