I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
