I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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