somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
