i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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