I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
