It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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