hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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