dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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