I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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