I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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