Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
