dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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