new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Randomize
