i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
PANTIES FOUND
Randomize
