Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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