i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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