You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
