and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
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