turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
