Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize
