there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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