awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i think i have herpe
just one?
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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