Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
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