i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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