cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
no you cant smoke seaweed
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
