I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
