Where is the hickey?
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
