Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
