Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
