I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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