My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
