I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
